I had such resistance about going here in regards to love but it seemed like after this week, I saw clients and friends crumbling and truthfully, myself, as well.
Boundaries are loving responses to yourself. But keeping a boundary may not be fun.
I remember asking my very savvy therapist 6 years ago, “You must see so many fabulous people in NYC grow old alone. Why is this?”
“Fantasy,” she quickly replied. Bam!
I hear clients and even myself say these things (I put an ** next to mine for transparency):
- I am attracted to drama. Why?
- I date unavailable men who think they are available. **
- I never date the good guys.
- I get bored easily.
- All I want is a partner in life who gets me. **
All of the above involve fantasy in a way. Let me break it down…
I date unavailable men who think they are available.
If they were “available” it would require: closeness, vulnerability – possibly seeing their imperfections and letting them see mine. “Unavailable” means you don’t get to really know them, nor do they see the real you. And the chase + mystery can go on forever along with time – precious time. Unavailable keeps the fantasy alive. Get it?
Dating unavailable people is easier but also dangerous.
And chances are if you have been single for longer than you wish, you may be too comfortable in the fantasy. Fantasies are fun, right? But …
Truth is, when I look at my mother and father, I see how both of them pined after people who they were in past relationships with. They loved to “fix” people rather than fix themselves. They could romanticize anything or anyone into amazingness but in time, no one would ever be good enough or match the fictitious person they created in their head.
So all I say is this…
But how do we begin to do that?
The great Helen Fisher recently spoke about the 4 things you need to have for a lasting, happy relationship:
- Be with someone who has the same relationship goals.
- Do novels things together, regularly.
- See the good in them more than you see their flaws.
- Snuggle, hold hands – physically touch. (Anyone can have sex, tenderness is different ya’ll- I added that part.)
Notice there ain’t no fantasy on that list. The path of relationships is rooted in reality, not the dream of what could be, but rather what is and letting that unfold.
Where do you stay rooted in fantasy? Which of Helen’s 4 must haves can you do? What’s the most difficult one for you? Email me or leave a comment below.