From Hope-Filled to Heartbreak (and Back)

Here’s the real deal: This past Sunday sucked. Heartbreak struck and I went from cloud nine to splattered over the West Side highway from a text message.

Ya’ heard it here folks: I was broken up with via text (today’s Post-It note for all you Sex and the City fans) and it truly shocked me. Are we really communicating everything via text now? Shouldn’t someone call me, at least? But I didn’t pick up the phone cause I immediately went into shut down mode.

The DiSkinny: I really liked this guy and that text leveled me. We had an intense connection and I realized time doesn’t matter, some relationships have the impact of years even though time spent together was brief. Now, Old Di Ana would’ve stayed in the corner of her newly upholstered, white couch and cried for days on end and tore herself apart.

Insert Di Ana here

Progress over perfection Di still cried (a lot) but the football coach in my head (I mean it was a Sunday in fall, so totally possible) said,“Pisarri, get those prescription sunglasses on and cry it out in Whole Foods, if you have to. Go buy some kale and tissues, these paper towel are not the way to go.”

Side note: As I was forcing myself to go get kale, and Kleenex, I would soon find out, via Twitter, that this guy had already found a new date on something called “Coffee Meets Bagel.” That’s a dating site, and it sucked knowing that as I was heading for greens and paper products he was having #BestDayEver with Coffee &  Bagel. Umm…crushing and I felt so stupid.

Now, it’s noon and I really wanted to eat brownies & ice cream, and get a bottle of wine. But the coach was determined that this Di Ana knew better, so she was going to do better.

Do better means showing up for myself no matter how sad I am.

Progress

I showed up for my SoulCycle class. My teacher, Emily, who is like the biggest badass ever, sees that I am not myself and probes me about my day. Emily comes closer to me (please don’t hug me, please don’t hug me… ) ughh, she hugs me. There I was in the lobby of SoulCycle: Tribeca in full on “ugly cry” mode. It’s a hot look, let me tell ya.

Emily says, “I am changing the class playlist for you. You show up and you will sweat this shit out. My greatest heartbreak lead me right to my husband. I swam through a lot of shit to get to him. Today is our two-year anniversary. So you are gonna swim girl.” All I could do was nod.

Another side note: I don’t want to swim through shit. Mind you, I hate swimming—legit. I sun tan, I do not swim—ya’ know what I mean? But, today, I am open to the flood.

Soul City Lobby

So, cut to me in my SoulCycle class (bike #6) and Emily begins class.

She says, “ I know some of you out there are in the shit, and I have been there and if you’re not in it you will be because we are all human and shit goes down. Today, right now, I want you to make a choice, ride through whatever is holding you back and trust you will have better, do better and be better. You will get to the other side.” And we start riding to “Bitter Sweet Symphony.” Fun, fun!!

Then, Emily places a candle beneath my bike and the class is completely dark, mind you, except for me riding on bike #6, smack in front of the mirror and I feel completely naked. She plays “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and I just keep on riding. I rode it to the other side like Lance Armstrong (well, not really, but he’s the only cyclist I know by name).

I want everyone out there to know that I left class, and I was still sad, because heartbreak doesn’t leave you in two seconds or in two days or two weeks—it remains for a while. I’m still sad.

Here’s the truth : We fall in love and it’s purpose is to open us up. I realized heartbreaks are meant to move us closer to love, even though we may want to close off and shut down.

heartbreaks

But I did leave class realizing that if I can show up for myself on a day like today, maybe I can show up for myself tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that…all the way to the other side of heartbreak.

All day, as I allowed myself to just be vulnerable—be in the flood, and in this moment fully, people were there to raise me up.

From red carpets (my best friend Cat was literally on the red carpet) to a friend who just lost a baby (her pain totally trumps mine) they made time for me, (even unexpected ones like my SoulCycle teacher) were there for me.

people

I realized that I am wealthywhen it comes to friends, and I was…I am, beyond grateful.

And if I can do it, so can YOU. You have to get off of your couch—even if it’s for a few minutes—go get a coconut water and be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your community.

You never know where you will find support.

Even though I hate swim metaphors, I have to say: Just keep swimming.

And with that, I will do my best to believe that if not THIS then something better. But man, I really wish it had been this, and that’s ok because I really loved this guy.

Bike and Candle

If not THIS, then something better.

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One comment

  1. Erin says:

    You are beautiful, inside and out, and I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re going through but I agree with Emily and support you swimming through it. It won’t leave you where it found you. Xoxo

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