I did almost everything single thing on the list below – to myself and others – and what I realized is I was f**ng miserable. They were like little mind magnets – something bad would happen or someone would trigger me and one (or all) of these were in full effect:
Save this list somewhere. I even made it into an image you can download. Awesome, right? And notice if you are doing even one of these. Remember it’s totally ok … it’s just a way you are coping right now. The cool part is we can change the way we cope. But you have to know what you are up to.
So…what are you up to?
What do you do when you get disappointed, fearful, or sad? And know where you can go. Here’s what shifts can become possible …
And I made this as an image, too. So download, add it to your camera roll, and start living it – right now.
Make your a-ha moment not just a head nod – make it an action.
So what’s one thing you can do differently this week? I believe in you and I want to know. Email me or leave a comment below.
Yes, Gandhi and that is the most difficult thing in the world!!
Meet me, an expert who is human and struggles with this whole harmony thing.
And if you know me, you know I’m always working towards my inner Gandhi. Everything this man said makes total sense, right? But when sh*t goes down, my harmony can sound quite dissonant. Awful in fact.
Recently I used this quote when speaking to a client about a recent, devastating turn her life had taken. It was a difficult session and man, did I understand her plight (more than she knew). But I said to her…
I let there be silence as she cried. I wanted to apologize for this statement at first but then I realized that happiness also doesn’t come from avoiding when our fantasy crashes.
Truly happy people know how to cope when the fantasy crashes – they can find a new perspective, take new actions with compassion to keep going. But for most of us this is something we must learn to do – it’s by no means instinctual and that’s ok.
So yes, Gandhi, happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony, because you know how to do that.
So how can you get started on the doing part? Here’s one suggestion…
As I learned to understand myself and others more, I now recover more quickly from disappointments and happiness finds me again, in time. And after the shocking news you read last week, there were actions that made me happier:
Compassion for my situation instead of blaming myself.
Surround myself with friends who understand me.
Sharing my story with someone.
Telling people how to handle me. People are not mind readers and will often do what they would need and not know what you need.
Exercise. I mean it’s like sex. Never ever do I say, “Wow I feel worse. Why did I do that?”
Drink more water than wine. Alcohol is a depressant, just sayin …
I bought a facial mask. Sounds nuts, but sometimes new skin changes your life for a minute.
Roger that, Dalai Lama! I may have received shocking news from a doctor but I can still take actions that are loving while I feel like a piece of crap and maybe, just maybe, I will find another path to happiness, eventually.
We will see, and you will know as I go…
What’s one action (from my above list or your own) that you can take this week to keep creating your own path to happy?Email me or leave a comment below. I want to know!
I grew up in the 80s with a TV the size of my one bedroom apartment in NYC that looked like an armoire. When you opened the armoire-like doors, don’t touch the screen for fear of the wrath of my father – a scratch was a sin and the screen a deity. My precious little brother would look up at me with his Doritos in a tupperware bowl straight from a party my mom just finished hosting. His big brown eyes looking to me for the decision as I held our fate in my hands with the remote (the size of my 6-pound Pomeranian) as I chose what show to watch on TV. I always chose.
There were 3 characters I watched, religiously. And I ended up copying them in my life – in acting, loving, eating, and many other verbs for sure. The 3 characters? The Hulk, Inspector Gadget, and Dorothy. All the characters doubted their potential. Every single time. And I found myself doing it every day of my life. And even though I presented oh, so confident, I was just duping myself.
Often anger kicked in the minute someone said something I didn’t like or whenever I was disappointed. The Hulk came out and it was not pretty. Or I could be totally clueless – like Inspector Gadget – using a million inventions; focusing on the wrong things while the world around me – my mother, brother and friends – would cope for me and I got all the credit.
I never really learned how clueless I was because no one let me fail. So more doubt came into my life. And then Dorothy. My poor brother watched that movie so many times and then as teens, we looked for the dead munchkin a million times in that scene. I’m here to tell you there is no dead munchkin. But, like Dorothy, I had the answers the whole time. I just needed to let go so I could…
The real thing is, I needed to not only see possibility but also take action to move towards solutions and try a bunch (not just one or two) without giving up when one doesn’t work out. Giving up to cope leaves you in Stuckville.
Choosing to cope without destructive habits changed my life.
And I’m dishing productive habits weekly. To get in on the life changing magic (for free!) every Friday at 8 AM, click here.
And when my mom died there was no longer anyone to keep my head above water the way she could so effortlessly. But you know what? I knew how to swim the whole time, just like Dorothy and the damn shoes walking around singing for help and killing witches. My girl Dorothy and I could have solved our problems in record time if we weren’t so anxious, fearful and constantly doubting ourselves to cope. Remember it’s all about raising your awareness so you can take action.
I wanted it, but then when it arrived – I freaked out.
Let’s be honest, my freakout occurred because I never felt worthy enough – the relationship I wanted, the career, the financial security – you name it.
And there is an odd darkness that shows up with this lack of worthiness. I would blame my parents, get super critical with myself, and before I knew it, I had created my own wall of defense. But here’s the most interesting part…
I felt totally worthy of everything I did NOT want.
And this cycle just kept going. Until, I changed my pattern and figured out my own law of attraction…
Watch today’s episode for the DiStyle Law of Attraction.
After you watch today’s episode, I want to know where – in your life – will you begin to receive that which you most desire? Is it in your career, your love life, your body? Wherever it is, begin to know that you are worthy. Email me or leave a comment below.
I mean that’s it. The above image says it all. We could just call it a day, right? And just be like – ok, stop doing the stuff that ain’t good for ya.’ [insert peace sign]
But we are humans. And in my 15+ years as a coach, here’s what I absolutely know to be true…
Humans tackle change – successfully – using two key ideas:
Awareness – Let’s say you tend to really get down on yourself – endless self-criticism and guilt setting in after a meltdown with your kids or an audition that was less than Oscar worthy. You gotta’ know your patterns, your mind tricks – and the things that keep you stuck. Knowing is great. It’s fantastic, in fact, because it’s the first step. But it isn’t the only step – meaning you can’t just hang around saying, “Well, that’s how I am – I go straight to guilt.” Why? Because we don’t get to change this way. Enter idea #2…
Action –this is where we take all we know about ourselves and we give take tiny steps forward – towards change. Things like having specific phrases to tell yourself when you feel the guilt creep in or having that go-to friend on speed dial after the audition. Whatever your actions are, you have to define them and DO them or else nothing actually changes.
You with me?
This is how we deal with fear – while always remembering to be kind and compassionate with ourselves and others. Because change may not happen right away. It takes time and practice. And fear tends to have no patience for progress.
We also have to understand that we aren’t after eliminating fear. In fact, it’s a waste of time.
Enter the great Elizabeth Gilbert (perhaps you’ve heard of her?) who wrote an incredible letter to fear. (Check the entire letter out in her book, Big Magic.)
Here’s my favorite part…
She acknowledges that fear is going to want to stick around – it may never actually leave – but you can certainly quiet it.
Acknowledge him. Great. If he’s around, chances are you are going after something you truly want.
I’m ((so)) into this because I spend a lot of time helping clients understand that compassion is key and extends to everything in your life – even fear.
But how do we actually get to this place where fear is working for you? Where he’s in the car but he ain’t driving and he’s mute?
That’s why I’ve come up with 3 steps…
Identify Your Fear – what’s he look like in your life? How does he dress? And where does he show up? Write down the top 3 places where fear creeps into your life. When you name it, you begin to call fear out. He can’t hide anymore. (This goes along with Awareness.)
Create Your Map – the map is your Action Plan. Decide the things you can do instead of letting fear drive. Maybe it’s finally getting your online profile together and getting back out in the dating game? Is it getting to 3 auditions this month or that tap class you keep wanting to take? Write those down, too.Don’t forget the fun stuff – coffee dates with friends, treating yourself to a manicure, etc. Actions keep us motivated and accountable.
Forgive Yourself – there’s a popular phrase that says, “Faith over fear.” I love this! But I’ll add to it and say, forgiveness over fear. This means that you might miss that date night with your husband one week. Or only make it to 2 auditions. And that’s ok. Remember the gentle and compassionate idea. Constantly forgive and wake up the next day with a clean slate. So, write this down, too. Write “Forgiveness over Fear” on your desk, in your planner – get a tattoo of it – whatever you have to do to stay gentle with yourself.
I guarantee if you start doing these 3 things, fear will get quieter and quieter. I mean it’s kind of what I do every week for my clients so I’m tellin ya’ it’s possible.
Remember, what you allow will continue. So let’s decide to let action continue and just see how it goes. You with me? Let’s do this thing.
For so long I invested time with these kinds of people:
The toughest nut to crack: they didn’t really like anyone but loved me.
The smartest one in the room: I played small so they could stay big.
The false promise person: They never did what they said they would, and I made excuses for them all the time (frequent find in the love department).
I had a history of investing time with people who would either find so many flaws in my investment but keep my money for years (with a super low ROI) or have no clue I had money in their damn bank.
“Why can’t love just save the day?” I used to ask, my little sad face looking up to the clouds.
Love does not always save the day.
What I mean is, sometimes you have to love yourself enough to notice it is time to hit the road, Jack. You could be the most amazing human in the universe but if someone doesn’t want to invest the time – let it go!!
Your time matters, too.
So how do you know where to invest your time if you aren’t spending it fixing all the lost souls or chasing around the dude that doesn’t text back?
Ask yourself these 3 key questions first…
Does this person do what they say? Do they show up for you? Your dreams and successes? Or are they too busy worrying about their own stuff?
Does this person make you feel good?Ok, this may sound corny, butchoosepeople that raise you up. Choose the ones that make you feel good. Say bye to the bad – like right now.
Does this person extend kindness to others?Chances are if you grew up with a critical parent, you might be drawn to critical people. But criticism + withholding love are hard, long-term investments with no return and lotsa sadness. Kind to others is key. Pay attention to how they treat the waiter, cab driver, the barista at Starbucks – it all counts.
They don’t teach us in this in school and I so wish they did because it would save us all a lot of heartbreak.
But if you keep this #DiStyle rule of investing with those wanting to invest in you, you will find your time is better spent.