I wanted it, but then when it arrived – I freaked out.
Let’s be honest, my freakout occurred because I never felt worthy enough – the relationship I wanted, the career, the financial security – you name it.
And there is an odd darkness that shows up with this lack of worthiness. I would blame my parents, get super critical with myself, and before I knew it, I had created my own wall of defense. But here’s the most interesting part…
I felt totally worthy of everything I did NOT want.
And this cycle just kept going. Until, I changed my pattern and figured out my own law of attraction…
Watch today’s episode for the DiStyle Law of Attraction.
After you watch today’s episode, I want to know where – in your life – will you begin to receive that which you most desire? Is it in your career, your love life, your body? Wherever it is, begin to know that you are worthy. Email me or leave a comment below.
Let’s get real. I usually respond, “No” (super politely) when asked to switch my routine (also known as “take a break” or as some people call it – “vacation.”)
So when I was invited to Cuba with one of my best friends, the no was literally about to come out. Because the last time I left the country to go to London (on a second date), I came back and my mom died a week later. This most horrific moment of my life and my fear wanted me to add a “hell” with that no – a big ol’ “Hell No!”
But instead, I said yes. Even up until the night before as I packed my bags, I was dress rehearsing every possible disaster that could happen.
What if my dog died? What if some of my clients wouldn’t like me being gone for a week? What if my boyfriend isn’t here when I get back? What if Gram dies? What if I don’t have the proper sun protection hat and get another questionable sun mark? What if my sunscreen explodes in my bag and destroys all the expensive clothes I bought?
[Feel free to insert any other disaster because I’m sure I thought it.]
Disaster did not happen. Instead, I fell in love – with Cuba, that is. These are a few amazing moments but most importantly I want to share that by choosing to live in fear, I was limiting my life.
I never thought I would say this but it is actually selfish to make your life ((so)) important that there is no time to stop, power down, and recharge.
I used to see this quote and think I knew exactly what it meant. “Of course,” I would think as I grew up in a home where it was indeed selfish to put yourself first. Now José was referring to his experiences – first hand – of watching a government rob his beloved country of Cuba.
But for our DiStyle learning, it applies to this idea of self-care for sure. Now let’s look at something else José Martí said…
And that is damn straight. We are so powerful and capable of magnificent things.
This happens when we believe in ourselves, commit (and recommit) and love ourselves.
Often, we rob ourselves blind when we don’t love ourselves – and I am not into theft, ok? Not loving yourself, second guessing, judgment, making excuses, and criticizing more than doing is all grand larceny in my book.
Instead, make time to:
Do the things you always avoid. It can be as simple as making your bed in the morning or as extensive as leaving that job to travel and do something more meaningful to you.
Stand up for what you need to be happier. Living life as a victim and complaining more than doing will not create your joy.
And while José Martí is considered one of the great turn-of-the-century Latin American intellectuals, putting any thought into action is where it’s at.
So what will you make time for? What change will become possible?
I mean that’s it. The above image says it all. We could just call it a day, right? And just be like – ok, stop doing the stuff that ain’t good for ya.’ [insert peace sign]
But we are humans. And in my 15+ years as a coach, here’s what I absolutely know to be true…
Humans tackle change – successfully – using two key ideas:
Awareness – Let’s say you tend to really get down on yourself – endless self-criticism and guilt setting in after a meltdown with your kids or an audition that was less than Oscar worthy. You gotta’ know your patterns, your mind tricks – and the things that keep you stuck. Knowing is great. It’s fantastic, in fact, because it’s the first step. But it isn’t the only step – meaning you can’t just hang around saying, “Well, that’s how I am – I go straight to guilt.” Why? Because we don’t get to change this way. Enter idea #2…
Action –this is where we take all we know about ourselves and we give take tiny steps forward – towards change. Things like having specific phrases to tell yourself when you feel the guilt creep in or having that go-to friend on speed dial after the audition. Whatever your actions are, you have to define them and DO them or else nothing actually changes.
You with me?
This is how we deal with fear – while always remembering to be kind and compassionate with ourselves and others. Because change may not happen right away. It takes time and practice. And fear tends to have no patience for progress.
We also have to understand that we aren’t after eliminating fear. In fact, it’s a waste of time.
Enter the great Elizabeth Gilbert (perhaps you’ve heard of her?) who wrote an incredible letter to fear. (Check the entire letter out in her book, Big Magic.)
Here’s my favorite part…
She acknowledges that fear is going to want to stick around – it may never actually leave – but you can certainly quiet it.
Acknowledge him. Great. If he’s around, chances are you are going after something you truly want.
I’m ((so)) into this because I spend a lot of time helping clients understand that compassion is key and extends to everything in your life – even fear.
But how do we actually get to this place where fear is working for you? Where he’s in the car but he ain’t driving and he’s mute?
That’s why I’ve come up with 3 steps…
Identify Your Fear – what’s he look like in your life? How does he dress? And where does he show up? Write down the top 3 places where fear creeps into your life. When you name it, you begin to call fear out. He can’t hide anymore. (This goes along with Awareness.)
Create Your Map – the map is your Action Plan. Decide the things you can do instead of letting fear drive. Maybe it’s finally getting your online profile together and getting back out in the dating game? Is it getting to 3 auditions this month or that tap class you keep wanting to take? Write those down, too.Don’t forget the fun stuff – coffee dates with friends, treating yourself to a manicure, etc. Actions keep us motivated and accountable.
Forgive Yourself – there’s a popular phrase that says, “Faith over fear.” I love this! But I’ll add to it and say, forgiveness over fear. This means that you might miss that date night with your husband one week. Or only make it to 2 auditions. And that’s ok. Remember the gentle and compassionate idea. Constantly forgive and wake up the next day with a clean slate. So, write this down, too. Write “Forgiveness over Fear” on your desk, in your planner – get a tattoo of it – whatever you have to do to stay gentle with yourself.
I guarantee if you start doing these 3 things, fear will get quieter and quieter. I mean it’s kind of what I do every week for my clients so I’m tellin ya’ it’s possible.
Remember, what you allow will continue. So let’s decide to let action continue and just see how it goes. You with me? Let’s do this thing.
For so long I invested time with these kinds of people:
The toughest nut to crack: they didn’t really like anyone but loved me.
The smartest one in the room: I played small so they could stay big.
The false promise person: They never did what they said they would, and I made excuses for them all the time (frequent find in the love department).
I had a history of investing time with people who would either find so many flaws in my investment but keep my money for years (with a super low ROI) or have no clue I had money in their damn bank.
“Why can’t love just save the day?” I used to ask, my little sad face looking up to the clouds.
Love does not always save the day.
What I mean is, sometimes you have to love yourself enough to notice it is time to hit the road, Jack. You could be the most amazing human in the universe but if someone doesn’t want to invest the time – let it go!!
Your time matters, too.
So how do you know where to invest your time if you aren’t spending it fixing all the lost souls or chasing around the dude that doesn’t text back?
Ask yourself these 3 key questions first…
Does this person do what they say? Do they show up for you? Your dreams and successes? Or are they too busy worrying about their own stuff?
Does this person make you feel good?Ok, this may sound corny, butchoosepeople that raise you up. Choose the ones that make you feel good. Say bye to the bad – like right now.
Does this person extend kindness to others?Chances are if you grew up with a critical parent, you might be drawn to critical people. But criticism + withholding love are hard, long-term investments with no return and lotsa sadness. Kind to others is key. Pay attention to how they treat the waiter, cab driver, the barista at Starbucks – it all counts.
They don’t teach us in this in school and I so wish they did because it would save us all a lot of heartbreak.
But if you keep this #DiStyle rule of investing with those wanting to invest in you, you will find your time is better spent.